stream of consciousness
the past few days i've been wasting my time trying to optimize my workflow and tools, thinking that "i'll start doing the tasks once i've perfected my workflow" or "the experience of doing said task would be better if only i have that specific tool." deep down, i think i'm aware that the whole time, i'm just trying to procrastinate doing the work that comes with actually doing the task, which is costing me more and more time the deeper i go into this hole.
i've also been wanting to write a post here since it's been around six weeks since my last one, but i've been pushing it back because i think to myself: "i'll do it when i have a better topic to write about, something that could be valuable to other people reading it." and so instead of opening a blank document, i go to bear's discover page and lose myself in reading other people's posts. which isn't inherently a bad thing, but it just means i'll never get around to writing one myself.
and so today i decided to just open a new blank document and write whatever comes to mind. i've come to realize that not everything has to has 'value' — at least not in the meaning i've unconsciously associated with that word. stream of consciousness is not a bad thing and the number of people that's going to read this is likely to be close to zero anyway, so who cares about value?
i recently watched a two-part youtube video that talks about the importance of a) starting and b) continuing, despite the struggle and lack of validation. we all know that for some people, starting is almost always a struggle, because we tend to overestimate the amount of work that we need to do in order to get the thing done, and so we push things back.
on the other hand, continuing once we've started is somewhat easier because now that we've started, we know the amount of work we need to put into something, and it enables us to adjust our expectations about the work that needs to be done in the foreseeable future (which is like twenty minutes to two hours considering the rapid deterioration of our attention span nowadays).
but to make it clear, continuing is hard too. having the discipline to keep going when no one's around to see the effort you're pouring into something, and also the persistence to keep going when things get challenging, is something that not everyone is capable of. that's why body doubling works. that's why having accountability partners helps. i recently read that it's very normal for us, as human beings, to have this innate need of witnesses to our lives. someone we can share our joy and sorrow with, who would listen to that niche interest that we have and respond with the same degree of enthusiasm, who would acknowledge our effort and goals and hard work and to the center of it, our existence.
i'm not sure where i'm going with this, but i think that at the end of the day, achieving perfection has never been the goal. what is perfection anyway?
rather, realizing that failure is just part of being human, and having the courage to admit it and retrace our path back is more important, i think. it's so easy to be stuck under the shame of failing, and i do admit that the burden of starting all over again may feel too much sometimes, that some people may never find the strength to get back up and find their way back.
i sincerely hope that we all eventually do, though.