starting (attempting) to write again
it's been over five months now since the last time i posted something here. it's not like i haven't been around during those five months - in fact, i've been lurking in bear's discover feed or checking bear roll every other day to read new posts. i've been wanting to come back and write something and yet i had not been able to do so, until today.
i thought about why writing a new post feels so intimidating. well, a big part of it is probably because my latest two posts went a bit viral (by my standards anyway) and it created some kind of pressure for me to "perform" if i wanted to post something else here. "what good would it be if i wrote something that doesn't resonate as much?" i had thought.
it is unhealthy, i know, on top of being untrue. i realize that there's no need for me to perform, nor do i have to be relatable all the time. i'd blame social media for it but i know it's on me too that i have been consuming it a little too much.
in any case, i'm writing this because i want to remove the pressure of "performing." one mediocre post is out, no harm in making a dozen more. i'm not even going to let this sit so i can revisit and tighten things up - this goes out the minute i'm done.
i've also been writing in my journal these days. a few months ago i bought a journal that i really like the look of, but it made me feel like i have to write prettily (or at least neatly) so that i don't ruin the beauty of it. but well. that goes against my purpose of buying said journal, right? and so i just have been caring less and writing more. disorganized stream of consciousness that might not look pretty but can help my brain ruminate a little less.
there's a place for everything, including beauty and neatness, but maybe not in my journal.