on letting myself be an inconvenience
ever since i was a kid, i've always been conditioned to be self-sufficient and reliable to people around me. do not depend on others. they have their own stuff going on, and you don't want to be a burden. maybe being the eldest daughter also plays a part: be a good example to your younger siblings, don't cause trouble, take care of them, i've always been told.
what i didn't realize is that growing up and becoming an adult means that you'll have different dynamics with the people around you compared to when you were a kid. you'll build relationships, platonic and romantic ones, and it requires you to rely on others in addition to being someone reliable. because letting yourself depend on other people can make them feel like you value them as much as they value you.
i've always felt a sense of satisfaction whenever others trust me enough to rely on me. it makes me feel good to know that i can offer some comfort or help to my loved ones, reducing their suffering however small or temporary.
what i did not realize is that not giving others the same satisfaction by trying my best to find ways not to rely on others will make them feel like i don't trust them enough to do so. in my head, i'm trying to be as independent as possible to make sure i'm never a burden, but to them it is the exact opposite. to them, it's either i don't trust them enough (which can understandably hurt them if it happens often enough and we're considerably close), or i'm not giving them a chance to help me even though they know i need it.
it's a shock, at first. why are you mad at me because i don't want to be a burden to you?
i never thought of you as a burden, they said. you're willing to be inconvenienced, but you never give me a chance to be inconvenienced by you. that's not how friendships work.
suffice to say that i probably have a long way to go, but i'm just grateful i had this fight with my friend because perhaps it's one of the reasons it's difficult for me to build deep relationships with others. because being a burden is something i avoid as best as i can when it's part of how you create bonds with others.
it's ironically funny how i struggle so much with making friends while unknowingly avoiding doing the very thing that's crucial in building relationships.