growth (or lack thereof)
my birthday is coming up and i can't stop feeling bad about how the past year went.
people would say that you shouldn't compare yourself to other people, because everyone has different journey and starting points and everything. and yes, i think there's truth to that. but what i'm talking about is a completely different matter.
i can't stop comparing the things that i did for the past year to what i did two, maybe three years ago. i just can't help but dwell on the fact that this past year has been so stagnant, and how different it has been compared to how i had been able to grow so much before.
well, to be fair, i wouldn't say i did nothing at all. i did things, yes, i learned new things, met new people (albeit very few), discovered a few things about myself. it's not nothing, but it's nowhere close to what i was expecting either, and i can't help but feel disappointed at myself. and it's not like i had a clear vision on those expectations either — there's plenty of room for interpretation — but it's definitely something more than this.
in theory, i realize that life is not about maximizing growth and value. there's more to life: discovering books, reading them, and getting the chance to see things in a new light in the process; taking walks and hearing to the crunch of fallen leaves being stepped on; finding good music to listen to. watching movies; grocery shopping; learning something new for the sake of satisfying your curiosity (and not "self-improvement", not that there's anything wrong with it per se). taking language classes because you wanna chat with someone and because thinking in a different language comes with a different point of view that you've never even thought of before (and not strictly to “practice and improve your skill", although they come as a package.)
point is: life is also about enjoying it for what it is and being present — because you live in this very moment — instead of always trying to do something for your future self.
but at the same time, i can't help but ask myself, "am i doing myself a disservice by thinking that some circumstances are just going to be more suitable for growth than others, and there's nothing that i can do about it?" and also "am i shooting my future self in the foot by starting to accept that perhaps it's okay not to aim for optimization and growth at all times?"
i frankly still don't have a clear answer. knowing something in theory and accepting it fully (as well as embracing it) are two very different things, and i guess i'd have to be okay with not having an answer for now.